Update

 

Sorry I haven’t posted for so long. I’ve been really busy with school and work and life in general haha. Not much has happened recently, I’ve been put on antidepressants but thats about it. My parents are so angry about it, they’re more the sort of “get on with it” type of people, as apposed to the “lets talk about it/ use medication” type. I don’t really care about being out on them, if they make me feel better then i’m all for it. Problem is my parents think I basically exaggerate my anorexia when I go to my treatment team. In truth, they couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t show them how I really feel and then I tell the truth to my team. I see their dilemma but it makes me upset that they think I would put on such a serious mental illness.
Anyway, onto happier things…. oh wait. Sorry, this post is gonna be pretty dark. I’m having a really hard time right now, with everything. I’m now the heaviest i’ve been since i’ve begun to gain weight and in truth, I feel crap. I feel really big and I keep comparing myself to everyone else. Eugh, its so horrible, my team say this is the hardest part (after choosing to gain weight to begin with). I’m now at almost 19 bmi and i’m still waiting for my periods to magically appear. I hate the whole process and my ED thoughts are dominating a huge part of my mind. I lost a bit of weight this week and it worries me how much I liked it. I don’t want to relapse but I think it will happen, just the way I’m feeling right now I think its inevitable. I’ve got to this weight twice and then lost 4kg in the space of 2 weeks both times. I really don’t want it to happen again but I just think it  will. And as if that wasn’t enough, one of my really good friends has essentially ditched me – well she ignores me a lot and is basically in complete control of our relationship. She came out to a show with me and my dad and my other friend and my dad commented afterwards about how she just hogged my other friend and cut me out of the conversation completely. I guess I’ve just become used to it but he’s right, she dominates everything –which would be fine if I was still the loud outgoing girl I was before ED, but I’m not. I’m quite quiet now, I like going out but I don’t have to, I’ve changed a lot and I guess our friendship doesn’t really work now that I have. That’s completely my fault, but I still feel bad.
Apart from all that I’ve been ok, I got a prize at prize giving for my GCSE results which was awesome Smile Haven’t really done much else to be honest, just milling around and working. A couple of weeks ago I went up to a conference in nottingham for 4 days and I didn’t eat once, I know it’s not good and I was taken to A&E with hypoglycaemia and low white blood cell count, its weird how bad things can get in such a short space of time. Anyway, new year, new time. I’ll post my new year’s resolutions soon  Smile

I have a few foodie pics:

P1020861

A casual snack : Maple sweetened Greek Yoghurt and an orangeP1020870

My new obsession: Yoats (yoghurt and oats). LOVE <3

I shall be posting again soon, feel free to comment.

Byeee for now <3

About Maria

16 year old who is learning to love life again and embracing recovery from anorexia.
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5 Responses to Update

  1. hang in there honey! it will get better. you keep on fighting. JESUS LOVES YOU <3 xo.

  2. Yay, I’m glad you’re back and posting again! It’s good to see you, although I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much. It’s really hard when the dynamics of a friendship change, but sometimes it’s the way the cookie crumbles. But any friendship takes work from both sides and it sounds like she’s not being sensitive to you – so don’t just blame yourself, sweetheart.
    Congrats on the prize at prize-giving, that’s wonderful!
    And keep fighting Maria. Nothing is inevitable until it actually happens. <3
    I'm really looking forward to reading your blog in 2011, whether it be positive or negative, I'll be reading. All best wishes & positive vibes to you!

    xxx Fi

  3. BTW, the conference in Nottingham… wasn’t MedLink or MedSim was it? xxx

  4. seegirlsmile says:

    Hi, lovely blog you have.
    I’m guessing you are quite young,,,i hope u get thru this.
    I kinda relate to the depression thing…i’ve never been afraid to eat and always do eat (i’m kinda ocd about it…but i do have odd quirks..and i think my anxiety and depression has lead to my horrible health)…
    what bmi did u get to before u could exercise again? or have u always exercised?
    i used to be a runner bigtime…over 3 years of nothing now..its so depressing…but at a low bmi, i guess i can’t exercise,,,but i’m so cofused..i’m so stiff and deadenedall the time.
    i encourage u to eat up girl…don’t let deprivation or food fears rule your life. Your too young and have too much potential!

    • Maria says:

      Thankyou for such a lovely comment. I started exercise at bmi 19 (when I got my period back) as I used be a compulsive over-exerciser so my team (and me) didn’t want to reintroduce it too soon. But now I have an injury so its been put on hold :( I think its very promising that u realise u are unable to exercise at a low bmi :)… Maybe set it as your goal to keep you on track for gaining weight? Hope to hear from you soon.. I’m always hear if u need some help and support, I know how hard gaining can be (for any reason) xxx

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